Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
