If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
