if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
