non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
