I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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