i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
