Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
