between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
