Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
