Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
