She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
