why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
only you would photoshop your dick
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
