There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize