So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
it was like eating out sand paper
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
