Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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