I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize