could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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