hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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