Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
