it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize