Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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