I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
