If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
