Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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