No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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