So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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