there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
