Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
