i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
