Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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