you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
