there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
