seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
