hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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