I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
