Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
