considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
