my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
