I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
