i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
