I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
