My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
