yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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