I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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