pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
