Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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