My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
