I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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