and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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