Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
