I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
