I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
