did you get engaged???
Porn is love you can see.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I forget how to act sober
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
