my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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