I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
