The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
