just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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