i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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