Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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